Sunday, March 16, 2014


"I know many people that are still tied up in this (false church) and no matter how much I tried to free them they ran right back into the deception and then turned against me for trying to save them"

So we heard some preacher from America, Isaiah Reed, was here in SA and thought it would be nice to hear him preach again. But had to go to this church, what a horrifying experience, you walk in and old school assembly hall and as you walk in all is black and there strobe lights and super screens and ushers commanding where to sit, felt like walking into a night club, the show they gave was atrocious.
Just seeing fake smiles and professional singers in very expensive suits, my heart broke, I just cried. Then the offering really making you feel guilty that you should give but you must be a cheerful giver and all that crap!
The music was so loud that I got a headache.

Saddest of it all is thinking now this is what I am struggling to let go, my heart want this cheap thrill of getting all worked up in the motions, really no wonder I am so confused. All the truth that I have learned the past 2-3 years is against all that. I have been truly born again and been made a new creation.
Can't crave the things of being a baby anymore I can not hold on to things that hinders maturity, Jesus said the one that holds the plow can not look back he is then not fit for the kingdom.

My flesh is making this process very difficult but I want to serve Him with a pure heart and with clean hands.
I am ashamed, I know that even though all that I still believe that I truly sought Him, I still believe that I committed myself fully and utterly only to Him. Even if I don't feel the same. I actually don't know what I am feeling, it feels if my heart is burning and yearning and breaking and the saddest I have ever been but it hurts for the church that is lost. I am emotionally tattered, I get emotionally drained from everyone, and I see their sins and faults and future and feelings and I have no idea how to help or even what to say to direct them to only One that can help.
But even in that I fail not helping setting any captive free not giving oil for joy, but I am in preparation time. Its frustrating feeling useless to the kingdom, working every day so hard at work for what, I don't want a nice house and friends and new car, I want to give all that I have and what I am for the Lord. Maybe I was expecting some gratifying feeling and not having none, no good feeling of helping someone nor praying for someone that they get delivered.

My husband also says he sees I lost hope that this is now it, sacrificed and endured all this past few years for nothing.

The more it sinks in that the church today is truly lost the more I feel: is there hope for any of us to make it I know for certain if I would get in a position of authority pride will take the better of me. I want to be poor, and kept here just so these sins not over take me.

I am obligated by our faith to advance the kingdom to be His instrument but I just want to run away from it all, these people are ruthless and will fight to the death for their false doctrines, I don't stand a chance the previous experience tore me apart, my faith my hope.

What a mess I am.

The most scary thing of all is we only scraped the surface on the truth, My husband is discovering new things in the word every day that redefines all that I have learned until now, and must tell you my heart stops every time when he starts talking, I am too scared to read the bible. I have to face old religious crap that were lies and have to digest the truth and some days I just do not get it in, the meat is given but sometimes I just can't swallow. And then He bounces stuff off of me that shakes my fundaments and then later changes as he gets new revelation.
All I want to hear from the Lord or any one yes you on the right road or no your not turn this way but the words you walk by faith comes to mind every time. Maybe for my salvation sake I am not getting any relief of this aching heart nor a word from the Lord for His benefit and not mine.
One thing is for sure I never want to go back to church, it’s horrifying, and He is not there. Maybe He is somewhere at some church but I am sure going to find Him at home more than in most churches.
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