Mothers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder & signs of a narcissist

Mothers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are in a very good position when you think about it. Where else would a Narcissist get such a ready, biddable, vulnerable source of Narcissistic Supply than from her own children?

These women have, of course, all the specific traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But they have a few other tricks too, especially for their children.

They fall into two categories - engulfing mothers who see no boundaries between themselves and their daughters, and ignoring mothers who don't particularly even see their daughters, and certainly don't care. Each is hugely dysfunctional and damaging.

One trick, or aspect, of narcissistic mothers, is that they're quite often nice. This can be so confusing - part of the head-wreckingness of this whole NPD. The niceness always has strings attached though.

One of Narcissistic mothers' favorite tricks is invalidation, including a particularly nasty and insidious form of invalidation called gas-lighting. No matter what emotions or memories you bring up, they'll dismiss them.

They master various forms of abuse, including forcing their children into the Golden Child or Scapegoat roles, and pure and simple bullying.

They're emotional vampires, feeding off yours and others' tragedies, and always dismiss or otherwise ruin your successes and celebrations. I found therefore that dealing with my narcissistic mother involved only the most banal of conversation - I could share neither my highs nor my lows. (Actually I didn't share a whole lot of anything, particularly at the end.)

They also have the twin cruelties of parentification and infantalisation, where they get you to parent them and keep you dependant on them respectfully. A narcissistic mother could do either or both of these.

Another nice trick is triangulation, where they make themselves the pivotal point of the family dynamic and everything has to go through them.

Add to this, many narcissistic mothers' extreme vanity, and their sometimes bizarre attitude towards sexuality, and you have quite a combination.

Mothers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can't do it alone, of course. They need help, and Enabling Fathers are the perfect ones to give them that help.

Most people never even think of the possibility of narcissistic mothers. To the extent that NPD is in the public consciousness at all - which is very little - it's more considered to be men who have it. This is partly because it does seem to be more prevalent in men. And also my impression is that men with it are more likely to be violent and so more likely to come to public awareness.

And if people think of women having it, they maybe think of wives and girlfriends and friends. They don't think of mothers.

We have a huge cultural embargo upon thinking badly of mothers. We esteem mothers, put them on pedestals, worship them almost. I've read that this cultural indoctrination is why the fairy stories always feature wicked stepmothers - because to speak of wicked mothers is just undoable. I think there's a lot of plausibility in this theory.

SIGNS OF A NARCISSIST

By Nancy J. Bailey:

There are degrees of narcissism. Some are more severe than others. Some are merely annoying egomaniacs. Others are axe murderers. But if you are in a relationship that has left you feeling frustrated and you’re not sure why, you may well be with a narcissist. Here are a few signs to watch for.

Narcissis, as many know, was the legendary character who fell in love with his own reflection. A narcissist is someone who, usually due to childhood trauma or over-doting parents, has become obsessed with himself. Some cases are so severe that the person becomes disconnected from reality and fails to maintain mutually beneficial relationships with other people.

I had a few indications that the guy I was dating was pretty self-centered, but frankly I didn’t think about it much. Then one day, I was at his house, standing beside him in the kitchen, and he was putting butter on a roll. He turned to walk away, taking a bite out of the roll, and left me standing there. At that time, we had only been dating a couple of months.

A big red flag went up. To me, it seemed abnormal to prepare the roll and eat it, while offering me nothing. This might not seem like a big deal, but it was combined with a couple of other things that gave me the first inkling that I was dating a narcissist.

My family is ripe with narcissists, so I grew up thinking selfish behavior was normal. To this day (despite years of therapy) I display a high tolerance for self-centered people. As a result, I attract these relationships like a pair of black pants attracts cat hair.

There are degrees of narcissism. Some are more severe than others. Some are merely annoying egomaniacs. Others are axe murderers. But if you are in a relationship that has left you feeling frustrated and you’re not sure why, you may well be with a narcissist. Here are a few signs to watch for.

1: Lack of Empathy

Because a narcissist is, by definition, someone who is completely self-involved, he has little or no ability to perceive how someone else is feeling. Worse, when feelings are explained to him, he doesn’t care. It’s his feelings that matter. Understandably, this opens a Pandora’s Box of problems within relationships.

2: Social Ineptitude

Some narcissists can’t pay attention to what others are saying. My most recent one had a habit of walking away in the middle of a conversation, or lapsing off to watch T.V. while someone was talking to him. If I had anything to say to him, I always had to be careful there were no electronic distractions, such as T.V., radio, etc. I had the best luck with keeping my statements succinct. At a party, he would project his own thoughts, but never asked questions of others. As a result there was no give and take. “The conversation,” my brother said after meeting him the second time, “falls flat.”

There are degrees of narcissism. Some are more severe than others. Some are merely annoying egomaniacs. Others are axe murderers. But if you are in a relationship that has left you feeling frustrated and you’re not sure why, you may well be with a narcissist. Here are a few signs to watch for.

Despite this, a narcissist is not necessarily a jackass in public. In fact, many of them have a meek and likeable public persona. This makes it very difficult to explain to others about the self-centered evil that lies within them. In fact, the duplicity can be so extreme that you can begin to question your own sanity. The narcissist, as one person put it, can seem, “like a werewolf”.

3: Delusions of Grandeur

I attended a parade with a narci once, and he told me that he could picture himself being Grand Marshal one day. He hadn’t done anything remotely close to earning this honor, but he wasn’t kidding. Does your date exaggerate his achievements and accomplishments? Does he seem to build himself up? This is a common trait in Narci. If you feel he could use a big dose of humility, then this is one thing to watch for.

4: Requires Excessive Admiration

Narci is often quite good at fishing for compliments, and finding ways to get respect and admiration from those around him. Beware though, of a lack of reciprocity, which is mentioned below (see #10).

Whether it’s the best seat in a restaurant or the biggest slice of pie, Narci requires special treatment, and feels he deserves it. There may not seem to be any rational reason for why he should be first in line — he just always expects to be.

5: Preoccupied With Fantasies

Everyone has dreams. But Narci is obsessed with his own inner world. He has visions of unlimited success, power, brilliance or ideal love. He may engage you in the beginning, thinking you will help him fulfill these fantasies. As soon as he realizes you are flesh and blood, you become, basically, dog meat.

6: Exploitative

Narci has no hesitation about exploiting and manipulating the talents of others. Is there something he wants from you? Then he is probably being nice to you — for the time being.

7: Center of the Universe

Narci maintains an attitude that demonstrates the world revolves around him; and you must cater to his ideas, needs and desires. Most of us are happy to oblige someone these things. But Narci will keep taking from you without filling your well. And be forewarned, when the well runs dry, he will have no more use for you.

8: Withholding – Controlling

If a narcissist finds out what you like, he is sure to take it away from you. For instance, I told my most recent narci that I love going to the movies. Guess what happened? We never attended another one. I suspect this is more a “dog in the manger” thing than intentional cruelty. The narcissist does not want to be mean, necessarily. He just wants the world to revolve around him and his desires, his activities. If it is something you want, it isn’t something he wants, and therefore not worth his time.

9: Doesn’t Reciprocate

If you have made the horrible mistake of telling a narcissist you love him, beware. You will be punished. Because he is actually filled with self-loathing, Narci has contempt for those who love him.

This can be especially tough for people who have a generous nature. I like telling people I love them, and the compulsion is very strong when I feel that way. But the nicer and more generous you are to a narcissist, the more you will be rebuked. In this confusing and haphazard existence, a narcissist behaves best with those who set limits on him. Do not show any sign of vulnerability, because that gives him license for contempt.

You will find that none of your needs are met. You will receive no appreciation or gratitude for anything you do. You will never receive a compliment. You are a tool, a pawn, an object. Narcissus is not capable of any generosity of spirit. Sadly, he is incapable of the type of introspection necessary for change.

The bad news is, narcissists don’t change. Narci is stuck in his own universe, and his reality is completely different from ours. He is doomed to remain forever gazing at his own reflection, loving — and hating — only himself. Don’t hate the narcissist for being what he is. Educating him is fruitless because he simply lacks the capacity for self-examination. If anything, he deserves pity.

The good news is, because you have asked the question, you have the ability to save yourself. My advice is, “Run for your life!” Life is too short to be sacrificed for someone who won’t ever — who can’t ever — appreciate you. Move on to better and brighter things.

COUNTING THE COST from my book "His Grace"

Count the cost!

I often felt that John the Baptist demonstrated the greatest act of obedience next to Jesus. He left society behind and entered into the wilderness eating nothing but locusts and wild honey. Even today most people think he was a few fries short of a happy meal. Yet we all hold a certain reverence for him and his calling. He was called as a forerunner and he did his job perfectly even unto death. He left the world behind and did not care what anybody thought of him. Jesus seemed to have a more normal life than John. He was trained as a carpenter and lived in a normal family situation.

Walking on the road less traveled will cost you greatly. It won’t always cost you everything but it might. You have to be continually detached from the world system. That does not necessarily mean you live like John the Baptist but you might be called to that. Following after God means listening to His voice daily and doing what He commands of you as a friend. He makes the choice of what that means not you. It means separating from the world’s glitter and all its glory and not worshipping the things of the world. You may be called to a traditional lifestyle and that’s fine. You may have a family and all that entails and there is nothing wrong with that.
   
 The wide road is a deceptive path that lulls you into complacency. You think you are following God but you are merely distracted from doing anything. In essence you are busy doing all kinds of works but really accomplishing nothing in the kingdom. When I was going to a ‘spirit filled church’ I was busy all the time. I went to a Wednesday service, a Sunday service, and everything in between. That whole time I attended that church I accomplished nothing of any value.

We were a sterile complacent society. We were all waiting for the calling but we didn’t realize we were already called and commanded to go forth. Somehow we were told that it was the Pastor’s job to bring home the fish but it was only ours to convince them to come to the service.

That not what Jesus said. He said
“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.”

Feeling abandoned?

I know this is a repost of someone else but it really spoke to me and maybe will to you too!
Even our brothers in Christ will abandon us when we hit hard times. When the wolf is at the door, and there are those who wait to take us down, and money is low, and our circumstances are dire; when sickness and weakness are our companions, and sadness grips us, and our lives are failing; when our enemies prowl around us, circling for the kill; when those we counted on are busy doing their own lives, not wishing to be associated with failure; when family backs away and talks against us, and trusted friends doubt us; when our own spiritual leaders quietly fade away, choosing to distance themselves; these are the times we begin to learn that men are ‘sharp sticks’ and we must not lean on them unless they are proven in the sufferings of life themselves.
Rarely will a man die for another man, Jesus said. Even a close friend. He knew first-hand the fickleness and selfishness and shallowness of men. The Savior of mankind would be abandoned by everyone, even His closest companions, and all would distance themselves, while the wolves tore Him and hung Him up to die.
Jesus didn’t trust Himself to men, which is evidenced in many places in the gospels. He hid Himself, He slipped away. He wouldn’t submit to their whims, whether the whim was to kill Him, or the whim was to crown Him. He was in charge, and He determined the timing of His life and ministry.
We are to live as Jesus did, walk as He walked. Know this, my brother who chooses to follow close to Christ, that you will experience the same suffering He did, and that includes opposition, abandonment, and aloofness on the part of those you lean on and trust. It will happen. And you must expect it. Many of our problems and doubts in our discipleship walk with Jesus come from our wrong expectations. If we go through the Narrow Gate, and walk the Narrow Road, we must expect that it will be difficult. The first apostles and early disciples taught this, because they were taught this by the Lord Jesus Himself.
What were you taught?
If you’ve grown up as I did, in modern America, you were taught an easy discipleship, which we don’t even term ‘discipleship’ anymore. You were taught to expect a normal life, such as the world lives, with the only difference being we trust in ‘Christ as our personal Savior’ and we are now centering our lives around church, instead of the local bar. And we were expecting to live happy, normal, productive lives, with God taking care of our needs, and the church providing activities and fellowship. All we need do is ‘keep in touch with God’ by having ‘devotions’ and making sure we pray a few minutes a day at least. The especially zealous (a small minority) showed their intensity by attending a regular Bible study in addition to church services, and studying for their weekly session.
We were told to listen for the highest calling, which was to go into ‘full-time ministry’, and that would involve going to Bible College, or getting an advanced degree in some ministry discipline. This would prepare us for a life-long vocation within the churches. Otherwise, we were ‘lay people’, rank-and-file members of the local church, who attended, tithed, and participated to the extent we wished in the ‘programs’ instituted by the leaders.
The church I grew up in taught us that earnestness in worship, with raised hands and loud voices, and suitably deep emotions, was very acceptable and pleasing to God. This made up for many shortcomings in our lives.
The church you grew up in may have emphasized service, which meant giving a little time to help organize church functions, or to teach Sunday School, or volunteering with this and that charity, or visiting old people in a rest home once a month. Your church might have had evangelistic outreaches, where your youth were taught how to knock on a door, and canvas neighborhoods, asking them to come out to special meetings.
No matter the specifics.
All of it is outside the Biblical model.
There is nothing but Christ. We are the branches, and He is the Vine, and apart from Him we can do nothing. We are His, and everything we do matters. Every moment, every hour, every day. We are either remaining in Christ, and bearing His fruit, or we are not. This has nothing to do with all the above churchy things which men have invented to make the ‘Christian life’ easier and more palatable to the masses.
When Jesus taught, He winnowed out His disciples, getting rid of those He knew were following Him for the wrong reasons. He was tough, giving the hard Word, explaining that to follow Him meant giving up one’s own life, laying down one’s own desires and dreams and goals, and doing only what Jesus did, and the Father instructed. When He informed the crowds they would have to die as He died, and live only on His flesh and blood as their sustenance, they went home in droves.
When He turned away the rich young man because He wouldn’t give away His wealth to follow Jesus, even His own disciples were dismayed, figuring they could never meet His high standards for discipleship. Jesus asked even the twelve at one point if they, too, were going to abandon Him as the crowds had.
We give out an easy Christianity, which is not Christ.
Therefore, when the hard times come, we are shocked. We think all is wrong, but actually, God disciplines those He loves as sons, and they are the ones going through the tough times. So not only do many fall away, but many living the good religious life, the easy churchy life, look down on their brothers who suffer. They think, like Job’s ‘comforters’ did, that it is a sign of sin in their brother, and their own prosperity is a sign of their own obedience to God. The opposite is usually true.
Obadiah’s warning extends to these complacent men who occupy the preferred pews and the places of honor in the churches.

“The pride of your heart has deceived you,
you who live in the clefts of the rocks
and make your home on the heights,
you who say to yourself,
‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’
Though you soar like the eagle
and make your nest among the stars,
from there I will bring you down,’ declares the Lord.”
--Obadiah 1:3,4

You can show your true devotion to Jesus by not standing aloof at the plight of those brothers around you who suffer. Lay down your life for them.

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER: THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT

CLICK ON TITLE TO READ THE FULL ARTICLE
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
INTRODUCTION TO NARCISSISTIC PARENT TRICKS

If you’ve read this far, chances are very good you’ve had a narcissist in your life. It may have been a romantic interest (or spouse), or it may have been a co-worker, boss or friend.

But the difference between those experiences and the experiences suffered by children of narcissists is all about choice.

The adult that suffers through narcissistic abuse has a choice to leave the relationship.

That choice may not have always been easy to see or even easy to do, but for the children of narcissists, there is no choice.
They are bound to the narcissistic parent physically, emotionally and mentally for many damaging years, at least until they are old enough to leave.

For many of these children, the physical absence of the narcissistic parent only slightly lessens the control and manipulation that has been exerted by that parent throughout their life.

Emotionally and mentally, the now-grown child is still bound in more ways than he can begin to be aware of, even if he’s fully cognizant of the fact that he was raised with such toxic love.

If this is you, parts – or all – of the following article will ring true.

For those of you fortunate enough to have escaped such a fate, you will still recognize much of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder behaviors described following.

A note about this piece:This was such an excellent article that we had to include it in its entirety. The author wishes to remain anonymous, but has graciously granted permission to reprint it on this site.

The only change made was to break it into titled sections for easier reading. Here are the nine pages:

I Will Shake The Nation Martin Banner 7/14/2011

I Will Shake The Nation!
Martin Banner
7/14/11

I Will shake the nation that celebrates it's independence from Me saith the Lord most High. I will shake the people that worship the creation more than the creator saith the Lord.

Woe to you America. For you have sown to the wind and now you shall reap the whirlwind. For I will send multitudes of devastating tornados upon your land. They shall come to the city and unto the field. They shall come in large groups and in large clusters and they shall destroy the people that celebrate their independence from me saith the Lord thy God.

For you have thought to remove me from your schools and you have sought to remove my name from your public institutions. You have thought to pray in the name of another, that is no God at all, but a false god and you have even tried to remove me from your pledge of allegiance and from your court rooms. As you have forsaken me, so I will now discipline you with severe judgment.

So hear what I am about to do to you America. I will breathe on you with my vengeance and my fury and I will spew upon thee and upon the land great devastation and the whirlwind shall come in great numbers.

For you have snubbed your nose to me and to my prophets that I have sent unto thee America, so now shall I snub my nose to thee and I shall reject thee as when a man rejects the wife who plays the whore upon him. Although you once knew my blessing and my protection, you shall now know my disdain and my rejection. I shall pull back my hand of protection from thee even further, for thy sins are many and are great in my sight.

So hear what I shall do unto thee America. I shall come upon thee with a great shaking saith the Lord and I shall shake the land. The birds of the air and the fish of the sea and every creeping thing shall know that I am the Lord when I shake thy land.

For I say that a great earthquake is coming, such as the nation has never known, nor seen. It shall come to the world and to the land of America. I will shake thee from coast to coast and I will be magnified in that day and all shall know that I am the Lord thy God the Almighty.

Keep your eyes on the Golden Gate, for I say that the Bay area shall know my wrath and my indignation and when I shake the land with a great earthquake millions will be without power for several weeks.

Did you think you could remove me from your land and not be punished America? Did you think you could pass laws allowing men to marry men and not feel my wrath?

Woe to thee America, for I say a shaking is coming to the land of America and I will shake everything that can be shaken. For a great calamity cometh upon all of the earth and in that day I shall be magnified and I shall be known in all the nations of the earth saith the Lord.

May God keep you and bless you in these Perilous Times! Maranatha! Come quickly Lord Jesus!

"The Lily" Dying to the flesh Revelation

The Lily


I bumped into an old friend from my youth group. Things had changed a lot since then. His life was a mess. Last time I saw him he was preaching to young people. Now he was on the run. It was late at night and we sat in his car. He began to tell me the woes of his life and the presence of the Holy Spirit filled the car. While he was speaking to me the Holy Spirit began to speak to me. His voice was loud and clear.
“Do you know why Solomon in all his splendor could not compare to the lilies of the field”? He asked.
I spoke to the Lord in my thoughts, “You know, Lord, I could never figure that out. I couldn’t imagine a flower being more beautiful than all those riches”.
The Lord spoke again “The Lily is the flower of death. You see it at funerals and on Easter. When a man is dead to his flesh there is nothing more beautiful to the Lord. The man sitting next to you is dying to his flesh. I am killing his flesh day-by-day. One day he will be a Lily. That is why I walk among the Lilies and the Thorns. I look upon my lilies with delight but the thorns I despise. The thorns are those who persecute my Lilies and worship the things of this world. When man is completely dead to the flesh he does not worry about tomorrow or what he will eat or drink. Instead, like a child he relies on me to provide for him daily. This is true peace. This is walking in the Kingdom of God, free from the cares of this world.

MT 6:28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Are we still the Salt of the earth?

I met a woman that was in a bit of a dilemma and asked me to pray about it. Her 13-year-old daughter was invited to stay over at her friend’s father’s place. The only problem was that his friend’s father was a homosexual and was cohabitating with another man. To me the answer seemed obvious but nonetheless I agreed that I would pray about it and if God gave me a dream I would tell her.
That very night I had this dream. I saw her on this big wide road with all of her daughter’s friends and her daughter behind her. Also behind them were the two homosexual guys and the friend’s mother. This woman was clearly leading them all down this big road. The road had a gentle slope and it was obviously much easier to go down the road than it was to go up the road. At the bottom of the road I could see the road went into the lake of fire. Huge flames danced in the distance. She was taking them all to hell with her and seemed pretty happy about it at the same time.
The next day I told her the dream. She coughed and spat and acted very nervously. In the dream I could see clearly that she had a need for approval from men and she would rather let her daughter go into this sick relationship then to stand up for her beliefs. I could also see that Christians were like the salt of the earth and that of the world looks to them for guidance whether they knew it or not. By letting her daughter go to this house for the night, she was not only condoning the sick relationship but also putting the Christian stamp of approval on it.
The dream convicted me personally. I wondered how many times in my life or in my Christian walk that I didn’t stand up against the sin and showed everyone that it was okay when it wasn't.

ITS TIME! Prophecy by David Herzog

David Herzog:
The Lion of Judah Invading and Taking Over

I see News Media, Hollywood Films and TV Shows being taken over by Believers that will infiltrate the ranks due to the incredible favor, skill, talent and holiness of God. Just as Daniel and his friends refused to eat the king's meat, so God's people will be in these secular arenas; but people will see they are somehow different yet brighter, stronger, happier and His favor on them will open up unique doors of great influence.

The key is to be one of these noble ones that will not compromise just to fit in, never forgetting the reason you are there "for such a time as this" to bring in the Kingdom of God. Just as Esther could have been tempted to not use her position for God's people and the purposes of God, she realized she had been elevated not for her own sake but for God's glory. (This also applies to the areas of business, education, government and the entertainment industry.)



Those that are hearing God's directives will actually prosper more in this downtime than at any other time before, similar to when Egypt was shaken. Moses and the Israelites actually were the most blessed and protected for those that obeyed God's commands the night they left Egypt during the first Passover.

Forgiveness. A trip to Heaven. 2003

Forgiveness

I stood in Heaven. A familiar looking young man, with brown hair and eyes, who appeared to be about 14 years old, stood before me. He appeared excited to see me and was jumpy like a child who was about to open his presents at Christmas.

He spoke to me, “My name is Timmy! Please tell my mother, my brother and sisters that I can hardly wait till were all together in heaven”.

I realized as he said this that I knew his mother, brother, and sisters, well. I knew his mother had an abortion when she was young and this was the aborted boy. I felt so privileged at that moment and just wanted to cry. He had no bitterness in him only love for his family. I knew that God had answered his prayer to be able to share this message with his mother. Timmy was a special boy who I immediately loved. He had a presence of a playful loving boy.

I began to cry at this point. The level of forgiveness in this boy was beyond anything I had ever seen before. He didn’t ask me why his mother ended his life and didn't give him a chance to survive. There was not an ounce of bitterness in him. I felt such incredible love in Timmy and I also felt such love for him. Here was a boy whose life was not taken by a stranger but his own parents and yet he still chose to forgive them. This was at a level that was difficult for me to comprehend. I know people who get bitter and angry because the neighbor parks their car in front of their house. They call the police because a dog craps on their lawn. They want to kill someone because they cut them off on the highway. Then there’s this young man, who was murdered by his own parents hand and only wanted to be with them one day, in heaven.

I went the next day to his mother about my meeting with Timmy. Her response was just tears.

Walking on the narrow road is being a place of constant repentance and humility before the Lord. Every day you must wash yourself clean. You can’t hold a single thing against any man no matter what they’ve done to you. You cannot even walk in the kingdom if you hold unforgiveness towards anyone.

It’s really the story of Cain and Abel all over again. It’s about two personalities, a forgiving one and an unforgiving one. My whole life I have come across this over and over again. The forgiving types are free and easy and let things roll off their back. They are what I call the pure hearted ones. They choose to forgive no matter what happens to them. The Lord delights in these. They are the ones that will be in the throne room, they are the ones that will clearly be in heaven.

And then we have the unforgiving ones. When they choose to not forgive they are coming against the very essence of who Jesus is and the gift He brought us. He said He could not forgive us if we could not forgive our brother. If we do not have His forgiveness, then we cannot enter in, it is not our place.

When I was young the Lord came to me in my room and said, “I want you to forgive your parents for what they did to you”.

I was stunned when He said this because I saw that they did nothing wrong. I could not think of anything in my mind. I knew the Lord could not lie so I knew something must be there. I acted in faith and said the words.

“I forgive my parents for what they did to me.”

Even so, I could not think of anything. My words were just mere words and hardly heartfelt. Immediately after reciting the prayer it was as if a door opened and I saw far into my past. I saw the rejection and how they treated me. I cried when I saw it and now the forgiveness seemed real. I acted in faith first and then God met me.

MT 18:23 "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

MT 18:26 "The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

MT 18:28 "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

MT 18:29 "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’

MT 18:30 "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

MT 18:32 "Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

MT 18:35 "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

MEETING the HOLY TRINITY from my book "His Grace"

Meeting the Trinity
I saw myself on the ground, looking up to heaven in a dark field, calling out to God. Instead of words, all that came out was a great moaning. I looked up and saw a cloud in the sky that somehow appeared flat with a hedge around it. Over the top, I could see Jesus and the Father walking side by side. I could only see them from the shoulders up since the hedge blocked my view. They were talking and I could see God’s head tilted slightly, listening to my moaning, from down below. They just walked back and forth while I sent out these great moans. The scene was dark and scary looking but it did not stop my constant moaning. Suddenly they stopped. I heard a shout from God, “Come up”! And, I did!

Suddenly I was standing in heaven in His presence. I looked the Father up and down. His hair was snow-white but I could not see His face. A glory cloud moved over His face hiding it from me. The details of His white robe were difficult to see, since His glory was so blinding. He radiated light from every pore.
To His left was Jesus, who resembled the Father but a foot shorter. He had a smaller stature and not as broad across the shoulders. I looked into His dove like eyes.
They were full of compassion and He knew the great struggle I was going through. Just one look made it seem like everything was going to be all right. He radiated with such indescribable glory.
To the left of Jesus, was the Holy Spirit. He also had the eyes of Jesus, the exact likeness! He had no form but also had a movable form. When I looked at Him, I knew there were no words to describe Him. I knew Him as the comforter and I felt such incredible love pouring out from Him. He looked at me as Jesus did and His eyes sent out “I love you”. My eyes scanned back to the Father, and I looked at Him. The moment was overwhelming me.

I instantly understood the intertwined connection of the trinity and knew why they were impossible to describe. No earthly words or models could help man understand this, but at that moment, I knew what no man has ever known.
God held out his arms to me and motioned for me to come to Him. When I looked down at myself, I appeared about two and half years old. I ran full force and jumped into Daddy’s arms. Never had I felt such love. I could spend all of eternity here. To heck with looking around heaven this is all I want! Just to lie in Daddy’s arms for the rest of eternity!
I cried to the Father “Please, Daddy, please don’t make me go back”. Daddy squeezed me harder. I felt I would explode. This was love beyond all earthly measure.

I looked at Jesus thinking that He might be jealous but when I saw His eyes, He shared in the moment just as much as me. Jesus longed for this meeting between Daddy and me. I turned again to Daddy, fell back into Him and closed my eyes in His embrace. I kept repeating over and over again, “Please, Daddy, don’t make me go back”.
Then next thing, I was waking up in bed and immediately started weeping. The Holy Spirit was still here. It was just as if I were still in God’s presence. The anointing stayed with me all- day.

As a year or so went by, I began to realize that my love was growing and it was becoming difficult to function normally. I would sometimes just lie in bed for days unable to do normal housework or any work for that matter. He poured His love on me daily. At one point, I had to ask Him to stop just so I could get something done. I could not believe what I was asking Him.
He began to speak to me and this is what He said. “I showed you My form and you being a mere man could not contain it. After seeing Me, it caused you to pull away from this world and to seek Me even more. That is why I cannot show you My face or you would not be able to live here any longer. The beauty of My face would cause you to be unable to function at all on earth and I would have to call you home”.