Since this is an epidemic in the church as well, I thought I would post this as I know many people mix these up all the time. No one in the church ever talks about healthy guilt.
Unresolved feelings of guilt are a common component of
depression and low self-esteem. In order to sort through such nagging feelings,
it can help to divide guilt into two different types.
The first type is the kind we feel when we've done something
we believe to be wrong. We know we did it and we know it violates our personal
moral or ethical code. Let's call this a "healthy guilt." It's the
feeling that's appropriate and fitting when we've done something wrong.
The second type is the kind of guilt we feel when we really
haven't done anything wrong, but feel "as if" we have. Let's call
this a "neurotic guilt." It's misplaced and doesn't belong. It's the
result of a distortion of responsibility, and it serves no useful or healthy
purpose.
Two ways to process guilt
The process for handling or resolving the guilt is different
depending on which guilt it is. Healthy guilt needs to be accepted and worked
through. Neurotic guilt needs to be challenged and rejected.
We can process healthy guilt by saying, "Although this
guilt doesn't taste so good, it's basically good for me so I need to accept it,
swallow it, digest it, learn from it and move on." This process teaches us
how to take responsibility for mistakes, feel badly about it for a reasonable
period of time, make amends if possible, forgive ourselves and get back in the
game.
We need to process neurotic guilt very differently. This
process says, "This guilt does not belong here, it should not be accepted
into the system and it needs to be returned to sender." This process
requires that we examine our behavior from an adult, rational perspective and
that we not take responsibility for things which were not under our control.
The goal is to identify guilt that entered inappropriately and deport it back
to where it belongs.
Resolve guilt by processing it correctly
Problems occur when we try to process guilt using the wrong
system. If you've messed up and you know it but you're trying to handle it by
rejecting the guilt, you might have trouble attaining a sense of peace. A
healthy part of you knows you should accept the guilt and allow it to work its
way through you, but another part of you is fighting against this. Maybe this
is what they mean by "swallow your pride."
On the other hand, if you're blaming yourself for something
that was simply not your responsibility, you're trying to ingest a neurotic
guilt that really ought to be rejected. A healthy part of you senses that this
guilt should not be taken in, but you're having trouble spitting it out.
A reasonable dose of healthy guilt over a reasonable period
of time won't hurt you and can even teach you humility, which in turn builds
wisdom and personal strength. Holding on to neurotic guilt can cause you to
walk with your head hanging low, shrinking from living life freely and fully.
If the guilt has your name on it, claim it. If not, let it go.
Art Frenz, Ph.D., is a
clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be contacted at Psychological
Fitness, 1200 Monroe St., Endicott, NY, 13760.
